Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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