no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I could fuck to npr.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
