I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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