Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
