Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
