the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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