I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
