Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
