What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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