i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize