I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i will never coherently bang her
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
