I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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