So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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