This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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