it's too hot outside to masturbate.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
