I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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