he thought i was a dude.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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