at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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