I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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