i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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