so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
