Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
