i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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