remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
