you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize