giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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