just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
