he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You need a sexual gate keeper
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
