you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
