WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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