I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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