Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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