Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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