you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
