woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
