Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
