Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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