Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
