they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize