Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize