I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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