So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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