Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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