There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
