I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Randomize
