My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
