I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
