you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
her facebook's as public as her vagina
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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