ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
