it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
