First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
