after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
