I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
