my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
