You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just cut my nipple shaving
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
