I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Randomize
