what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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