u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
