Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize