I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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