Jerry, you need to find god
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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