Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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