If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
