Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
